When a day stings.

I have always been a memories gal. 

I love looking at old photos.  I have a box full of notes, old ticket stubs and movie tickets, certificates, essays, programs...pieces and mementos from different stages in my life.  I have a huge tote box full of almost every single piece of paper that Annie Lou has brought home from school.  I have plans to do something great with those papers...or maybe they will sit in a box. 

The point is, I'm sentimental.  BIG TIME.

You know timehop and "on this day" on facebook?  Well, I love those too.  Kind of like a little scrapbook of my "digital" memories. 

But some days, those pictures and memories...oh, do they sting.  If I'm honest, they do a lot more than sting.  Some days, they hurt me so hard I feel like I can't breathe or catch my breath.

Today was one of those hard days.  Today was meant to be a day to celebrate another year -- a chance to exchange presents and look at photos and think of a wonderfully beautiful day.  But it's not that kind of day today. 

Here's where I don't really know what to say. 

Do I say something was so broken, it couldn't be put back together?  Do I say I was too controlling?  Do I say I didn't do ______ enough?  WHAT DO I SAY?

I can't say anything.  I can't fix it or make it better.  I can't control this one.  

And so I do what I know how to do.  I cry.  I breathe.  I try to remember the day for what it was -- a beautiful day.  I thank God for my two girls.  I put the phone and computer away and try not to focus on the "what ifs" and instead think about the abundant and bountiful blessings that I do have in my life.  And I always remember that He works all things for good.  I sing my new song -- it may not have been the song I chose for myself, but I sing anyways.  I fall into His goodness and grace and let the rest go.  

Here's where I start.

Starting.  

I like to start a lot of thing.  Sometimes, I finish them.  Sometimes (more than I care to admit), I don't finish at all.

But one "thing" I always love to start is writing.

I love to journal, to doodle, to write short stories...I used to love to blog and write about my faith, life and my daily happenings.  I felt I had a lot to say, and I had a lot of things that people really needed to hear.  I felt confident in how I was doing life...and all the things. 

"People would really want to hear from me," I thought to myself, "I really know what I'm doing."

Yeah, you know how those kinds of statements go, don't you? 

Well, I am here to tell you, I don't know what I'm doing.

Most days, I'm just thankful to get into my comfy bed, close my eyes for a hot minute (because my Birdie girl does not like to sleep), and say a quick prayer to God...most of the time, it goes like this: "Thanks for this day, Lord.  It was hard.  I'm glad we all lived another day.  Keep on blessing us.  Love you, Lord."  I say a lot of these quick prayers during the day.  I'd love to be one of those people that dedicate lots of time to prayer, but I've come to realize in this season of my life, I have just got to take God with me.  In the car, in the pick-up line, in the drive-thru line, in the lobby of dance class, at the grocery store...He's got to go everywhere with me.  So, we have quick little one-liner convos, and I know one day we'll get to have long chats, but right now I've got Him beside me wherever I go (and I "go" a lot). 

Anyways, back to I have no idea what I'm doing.  And I'm beginning to be okay with it.

You see, I like this little thing called control.  Oh M Gee to I love control.  I like to know what I'm doing and what's coming up next.  I don't like surprises, and I don't like "bumps in the road."  I have fought a battle with control and anxiety and fear for a LONG time.  Once you let "it" control you, well....it takes a long time to be okay with giving up and surrendering all that control.  You've walked around with your hands in fists so long, you're not really sure you can let go. 

It's a daily struggle and something I battle every single day.

But thankfully, my Lord is a sweet and precious Lord.  He whispers, "It's okay, Lena, I got this.  Remember?"

So, when people ask "When are you going to go back to work?  When are you going to move out of your parents' house?  WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, LENA????"  Well, I just answer honestly and simply: "I'm not really sure right now.  We are taking things day by day."  And that's the truth, y'all. 

Here's where I start (again).  Here's where I tell my stories.  Here's where I share my love of a Lord that rescues me and gives me GREAT JOY.  Here's to where I tell you no matter what (and that "what" can be a big, scary thing), HE WORKS ALL THINGS for HIS GOOD. 

Amen?  Amen.