For the past 3 years, I have been through so many seasons.
Scary seasons. Stormy seasons. Calm seasons. Quiet seasons. Joyful seasons. Absolutely wonderful seasons.
And through most of those seasons, I have been writing.
But then I stopped.
Let me see if I can explain the stirrings of my heart...
When I was a single mama, going through a divorce, raising two little ladies, I had much to say. And people wanted to hear from me. I didn't talk much about what was going on, but every now and then, once the healing reached a certain place for me, I'd talk about what was going on - in my head and my heart. People would share with me how those words had touched them, or they were glad I was writing again, or maybe they had passed them on to a friend facing a similar road. I felt like I had much to say AND an audience to listen.
In that season, I focused very little on the future. I was so reliant and dependent on God. I could barely get out of the bed before I would mutter the words: "Just today, Lord. Just today. Nothing more." That was literally all I could handle -- that day.
I look at pictures from that season -- particularly of pregnant-with-Birdie Lena, full of growing life -- the fear and worry and doubt hidden deep in her eyes, almost impossible for me to see. Instead, I see God in her. I see a woman clinging to her Lord. And it's absolutely beautiful to me.
So, what's different in this season?
For one, I am married again. I have a partner, a best friend, a supporter and an encourager. And he's amazing if you don't know already.
I am so blissfully and deliriously happy -- seriously!
Because I spent so much time in a season of hurt and uneasiness, I am really unsure how to live in this abundant season. I know, it sounds crazy as I type it out.
These are the kinds of thoughts I have to myself and ones I oftentimes speak out loud when my dear husband asks me why I'm not writing anymore:
- No one wants to hear from a happy Lena.
- I have nothing of value to say - I am just happy and blessed.
- I will probably just get on people's nerves because I have nothing to say but good things, and people aren't used to that from me.
These are all the crazy lies I hear and actually say out loud to myself. So crazy, right?
The truth is, I am so happy and blessed. But I have challenges all the same in this season as I did in previous seasons. They are different challenges -- ones that don't feel nearly as overwhelming, but challenges all the same.
I am still dependent on my Lord, it just feels like it's a different kind of dependency. Like in those 3 previous years, I was a newborn Lena, completely unable to do anything without her Lord. And now, I'm an able-to-stand-and-feed-herself Lena - I still need my daily nourishment and daily time with the Lord - but I'm no longer a newborn. There are days I miss those newborn days -- and I wish there was a way for me to verbalize how and why I miss those days, but I'm not sure how to do that right now. That's a post for another day I guess.
So here I am in this weird place that just doesn't feel quite right to me, but I'm learning to be still and sit and just BE in a season. Not freak out, not change everything, just be (this is Lena's typical routine when something feels off). And in the process, I hope I will learn more and sit back and enjoy the shift that is happening in the meantime.
For now, here's to bringing writing back into my life and sharing those words with you, too.
