Chase that white rabbit.

When I was a little girl, I was obsessed with the movie, Alice in Wonderland. 

My granny would take us every weekend to the local video store in Columbia, and we would get to pick a movie to rent. 

I always picked Alice in Wonderland. 
*fun fact…I picked it so many times, the owner actually gave it to me!
Something about that curious blonde girl just resonated with me.  Every single scene in that movie captivated me, and I couldn’t get enough.  Alice was just so BRAVE, and as a young girl, I was anything but brave. 

You know the story, she followed a white rabbit down a hole into a whole other world…she had tea with the Mad Hatter, sang songs with flowers in the garden, met crazy characters and had a scary encounter with the Queen of Hearts.  And she never really second guessed anything she did - she stood her ground, spoke loudly AND proudly and never apologized for how she was. 

Oh my word, she was so brave. 
And I wanted to be her.

Can I tell you a secret? I still want to be her.

Webster’s defines B R A V E as “having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear or difficulty: having or showing courage.”

So, what’s the opposite of courage?
We all know it…F E A R.

For a large part of my life, I have let fear dictate my path. 
Will this hurt?
What will happen if _______?
How will I bounce back if it all goes wrong?
Will someone else get hurt?
Will it take too long or require too much of me?

Like I said, FEAR is the dictator.  Fear is in the driver’s seat.  Fear is calling the shots.

And I’ve passed up some opportunities or kept going one direction (when I should be going another way) or haven’t spoken up because I was simply too scared of what might happen.

Alice saw a white rabbit.  She was intrigued. She followed him. 
And adventure followed her.
She didn’t sit there and think: “hmmmmm….the probability of me getting stuck in some sort of situation and not being able to get out is quite high.  I think I’ll sit here and wait for that rabbit to come back.”

Nope, she went all in.

Gosh, I love her.

I see the same thing in my girls…like when Birdie fearlessly jumps into a deep pool of water with a HUGE smile on her face.   Or when Annie Lou enters the race at the skating rink — she’s only been skating without a trainer for a few weeks, and she is already racing, y’all.

Both of them know there are risks — they could get water up their noses.  Or they could fall during the race and lose. 

But they do it anyways. 

They let courage sit in the driver seat and decide the path.

When did I tell courage to get up and give the seat to fear?
Did it happen when I was little?  Is it something that I just got used to doing and just didn’t stop?  How can I make that little fear brat get up and give the seat back to courage?

I’ve been thinking a lot about bravery lately and how acting out of fear affects my daily living.  When my brain and thoughts started going towards fear, what prompted me to go that place? 

And what I realized is that fear is almost second nature to me. 
Fear is easy for me. 
Fear keeps me quiet. 
Fear keeps me second guessing. 
Fear blows everything out of proportion.   

I am not operating at my best, which is where God wants me to operate, when I am operating out of fear.  Fear means I’m not trusting God at His word.  Fear means I’m afraid I won’t be able to control the outcome. 

So I have literally had to take every.single.thought captive. 

I’ve had to take the scary, full of fear thoughts and speak them out loud to God.  “God, is this true? “  I’ve had to speak truth to those lies.  I’ve had to stop listening to some things that continue to fuel my fear fire.  And start listening MORE to those things that fuel my faith fire. 

Because at the end of the day, we KNOW He works all things for good, right?

Well if you don’t know that, I’m here to tell you…He works ALL THINGS for good.
Not just one thing.
Not just the pretty things.
Not just the easy things.
Nope, He works ALL THINGS for good.

I made a list of all the things I consider “bad” or “hard” that I have had to endure over the past couple of years.  Then I wrote the good things that have come from those experiences. 

If I just focused on that “bad” list, yes I could continue to operate out of fear because that list is SCARY.  But I’m choosing to focus on the GOOD…and see His faithfulness. 

Let’s be real….there are some hard things I’m experiencing right now and I can’t see the good yet.  BUT BUT BUT I know it’s there.  He knows it’s there.  And I’m choosing to trust what I can’t see yet…I’m choosing to trust His promise.

2019 is my full of JOY year…which means taking some steps towards courage and bravery and leaving fear behind.   Fear loves to rob you of your joy, and I’ve let that happen too much over the past couple of years.  So today, I’m adding a little fuel to your faith fire. 

Ask God where you are operating out of fear and ask Him to point you towards where you should be acting out of faith.  And then go do something brave because He’s equipped you to do it.  He’s put a desire and a dream in your heart…
Write that book. 
Start that podcast. 
Invite that friend. 
Quit that job and begin the one you really want to do. 
Chase that white rabbit.

And then wait for the adventure and blessing and testimony that will come from a Father who loves to see you grow and flourish and thrive and bloom.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where—” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“—so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”

When I lost social media and found my JOY again.

Today is Day 16 of my fast from social media.

It still feels weird to me to say I'm fasting from social media.
FACEBOOK.
INSTAGRAM.

I have so many thoughts on this fast, and the many things that have been revealed to me by giving it up for a 3 week period.

First thought: I didn't think I was addicted to social media, and I was very wrong.  I don't use the word addicted lightly.  I have thought about this long and hard, and I can say with full confidence, that I was straight up addicted to social media.

Here's why I believe I was addicted...
- It was the first thing I checked as soon as my eyes opened in the morning.  Heck, sometimes when I awoke in the middle of the night, I would just pop in to see what I missed while I was sleeping. 

- It was what I used to fill my time. 

- I used it agressively and abundantly. 

- I longed for more LIKES on posts and pictures.  I felt AMAZING when those likes came through. 

- I felt jealous when I saw my friends doing awesome things or when I saw former co-workers succeeding and I was not.  

- I snapped at my kids because they bothered me when I was trying to put out a "really important post." 

- I scrolled mindlessly when I waited in school pick up lines, while I waited at restaurants, while I was riding in the car with my husband and/or family.

- I let social media fill my need for human connection and human interaction.

Social media filled a big space in my life.

And it took removing it from my life for an extended period of time to see just what an impact and hold it had on my life.

Many of you have asked how I feel without social media.  Well, let me tell you...
I feel amazing. 
I feel lighter. 
I feel more connected to myself and less connected to everything else around me.

My word for 2019 is JOY.

2018 was one of the best years of my life, but it was also one of the most challenging for myself.  I floated between so many different feelings, and stuffed a lot down.

In 2018, I forgot how to smile.  I forgot how to have fun.  I forgot how to find the beauty in everything around me.

And those things that I forgot to do affected my relationships with my husband and my kids, it affected my ability to mother well and it trickled down to affecting the people around me...those that mattered most: my family and my friends.

On January 2nd, I said out loud for the first time what I was missing and what I wanted so badly to come back into my life....JOY.  I decided that day to let go of social media.  And I decided to grab a hold of JOY.

It took a solid week before I stopped going to that spot where my facebook app sat on my phone.  I noticed that sometimes I just picked up my phone for no reason and went straight to that facebook placeholder. 

For absolutely no reason.
What in the heck was I looking for?

I found out that I actually DO have time to do the things I have been putting off because I "don't have time...." I read 3 books.  I organized my closet.  I connected with friends over lunch.  I had great conversations with my kids.  I worked out.  I made dinner almost every single night.  I laid in my bed and talked until midnight with my husband.  I made goals - simple and attainable goals and then came up with plans to achieve them.  I hiked and then hiked some more.  I opened my Bible and began reading again - and instead of going to facebook first thing in the morning, I go to my Bible app and take in His word before my feet even hit the ground.

THESE are things that bring me joy, y'all. 
Not mindless scrolling.  Or wasting time.  Or staying connected 24/7.

And by losing those things and spending time doing things that truly matter or things I REALLY love and enjoy, I found my smile again.

I will never forget when my husband said something funny to me and I turned around and smiled at him, and he said: "THERE YOU ARE.  I've missed that smile."  It still makes me cry thinking about that...but happy tears.

Or when Birdie was busy drawing portraits of her family like she does multiple times a day, and she was working particularly hard on one of me.  She yelled for me to come see it, and she beamed with pride when she showed it to me.  "I drew you wif a smile, mama!"  You see, she's always been drawing me with a straight line for a mouth.  And now she draws me with a smile. 

It felt like God was speaking directly to me through this tiny, smiley little 3 year old.

I really miss the connection of facebook and instagram -- I miss seeing my friends' posts and connecting with them quickly and easily.  It's forced me to be way more intentional about connecting with my friends -- I literally have no idea what's going on in their lives, so I have to ask for a lunch or coffee date and actually CATCH UP with them.  It's amazing and somewhat frustrating at the same time.

So what do I do now?

I am not really sure.  But I know that I feel too good to bring it all back into my life right now.  I know social media can be used for good, and I know lots of people use it wisely and for amazing things.  But right now, I am unsure of how Lena can do that. 

So for now, I'll keep doing what I've been doing for the past 3 weeks. 
And loving every single minute of it.

For those of you that do want to reach me, I am available via email:
lenahallwrites (at) gmail (dot) com