G R I E F.
What a word full of so much meaning. When I first look at it or say it or think about it, it doesn’t bring about many lovely feelings or emotions.
In fact, it kind of makes my stomach turn.
None of us want to experience grief. None of us wish we could lose someone or something and walk through a season of grief.
Grief…well, it’s kind of an unwanted guest.
And most of us have no idea how to walk through a season of grief. We wash our hands of it. We put it on the calendar for another day and then continue to push it out further and further. We wish it away and pretend like it’s not really there.
Well, my friends. I’m walking through a season of grief right now. And it’s about someone I don’t know.
I’m grieving my father.
I didn’t know my father at all. I have no real memories of him. And he died almost 17 years ago.
At first, I had no idea what it was — why was I crying at the drop of hat when I thought about him? Why was I wishing things were different? What were all these feelings?
You see, in my past years of looking at my father’s life and our relationship, all I could feel or express was ANGER. Bitterness. Resentment.
It took a lot of reflection with my Heavenly Father to realize my father was a man. He made mistakes. He didn’t always choose wisely.
And slowly, but surely, the lens of anger that I viewed my father turned into a lens of grace.
This is where everything started to change.
For the first time in my life, I let my Heavenly Father come into my heart and fill those cracks and breaks and holes that have been there since I was a little girl.
And for the first time in my life, I am beginning to be set free of a broken heart.
It took so many steps - steps of faith - to be able to get to this place. I had to let go of myself and grab a hold of something greater. I had to relinquish control so there could be a place for forgiveness. I had to quit holding on to anger and let love take its place.
I know there are many of you out there who have been hurt — by your dad, by your mom, by your best friend, by your husband…and I know that hurt. In some ways it almost feels easier to walk around being mad, holding on to hurt, keeping that wall around you — keeping you SAFE.
Letting go of anger comes with its own struggles, believe me, I know.
For a long time, it was just easier to embrace anger.
And then one day, it wasn’t.
I don’t know how to describe it or why it happened this past year and not in 2002, it’s just the way it is for me.
I do believe being in a healthy and thriving relationship with my husband played a huge part in it. I think feeling more safe and secure this past year than I have my entire life is a big piece of the puzzle. And I think talking aloud with God, asking Him to reveal places where I was holding on to unforgiveness and anger…well, I think that played a part, too.
So, here I am. A week away from turning 35. Mourning two losses.
The loss of my father as a young girl from his absence in my life.
and…
The loss of my father at the age of 18 after he passed away.
It’s the ultimate picture of beauty from ashes. It may not look beautiful from the outside, but it is so beautiful and so marvelous from the inside. There is healing taking place — healing that is so needed and so wanted, and I am SO thankful.
