When a day stings.

I have always been a memories gal. 

I love looking at old photos.  I have a box full of notes, old ticket stubs and movie tickets, certificates, essays, programs...pieces and mementos from different stages in my life.  I have a huge tote box full of almost every single piece of paper that Annie Lou has brought home from school.  I have plans to do something great with those papers...or maybe they will sit in a box. 

The point is, I'm sentimental.  BIG TIME.

You know timehop and "on this day" on facebook?  Well, I love those too.  Kind of like a little scrapbook of my "digital" memories. 

But some days, those pictures and memories...oh, do they sting.  If I'm honest, they do a lot more than sting.  Some days, they hurt me so hard I feel like I can't breathe or catch my breath.

Today was one of those hard days.  Today was meant to be a day to celebrate another year -- a chance to exchange presents and look at photos and think of a wonderfully beautiful day.  But it's not that kind of day today. 

Here's where I don't really know what to say. 

Do I say something was so broken, it couldn't be put back together?  Do I say I was too controlling?  Do I say I didn't do ______ enough?  WHAT DO I SAY?

I can't say anything.  I can't fix it or make it better.  I can't control this one.  

And so I do what I know how to do.  I cry.  I breathe.  I try to remember the day for what it was -- a beautiful day.  I thank God for my two girls.  I put the phone and computer away and try not to focus on the "what ifs" and instead think about the abundant and bountiful blessings that I do have in my life.  And I always remember that He works all things for good.  I sing my new song -- it may not have been the song I chose for myself, but I sing anyways.  I fall into His goodness and grace and let the rest go.